Best Seat in the House

Sometimes life hands you the funniest things. I got on my flight to Phoenix the other day and it was a FULL Flight. I knew I had an aisle and I hoped that, just possibly, the middle seat would not be full.

I hate it when you have to do that little battle over the arm rest between you and the person in that middle seat. You want to use it and they want to use it and neither of you are really comfortable using it knowing that the other person really wants to use it.

Well, my fears of having to share that armrest were the least of my worries. To my disappointment, there was someone sitting in the middle seat. At first glance I wasn’t sure if it was someone or some ones, plural. The guy sitting in the middle seat was big. Who am I kidding? That guy was huge! GIGANTIC!

I quickly realized that there would be no battle over the armrest. The Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man’s fat rolls got to use the armrest. I was lucky to have the armrest on my left side as big as this guy was. Trust me, I am a man of size but I looked tiny next to this guy. Could this flight get any worse?

YES! YES IT COULD!!

Sitting right behind me was a family with two small children. The infant was good the entire flight. The DEMON Toddler was not as pleasant. This kid wanted to talk the entire flight and until his ears popped he talked as loud as a senior citizen, whose batteries went bad on their hearing aid, trying to whisper at a funeral. “MINE!” was about all the selfish little spawn of satan could say at the top of his lungs.

Just in case you want to know, you can get to meet an Air Marshal if you stand up, turn around and threaten to mame a small devil child on an airplane.

Even More Stupid Phrases:

Flying should not be such an ordeal but it tends to be that way. I think it is because of some of the phrases the Flight Attendant or Pilot use. They should find betters ways of communicating what they really want to say.

On my flight to Phoenix the other day, I hear the Stupid Phrase – “Final Destination”. “What is your final destination?” I am thinking, “Are the planning on sending me to Heaven right now?” Can’t they find a better way to ask me where I am flying to right now? Phoenix is not my FINAL destination.

Then the Pilot gave me a bit of a scare when he said, “We will be on the ground in about 15 minutes.” I was hoping we could be a bit more specific and be at the airport, on a runway. We could be on the ground in about 2 minutes if we are not particular about where we land. If we take the non-specific route I could see if I could actually use the Emergency Exit door.

That is when I really got scared. I realized that this could possibly be my FINAL DESTINATION!

Stupid Phrases People Use

The other day someone used one of those phrases that really is not true. In fact, I put it in the category of Stupid Phrases People Use (and should be slapped for using). He said, “There are no stupid questions!”

I would disagree. I can come up with several stupid questions without even having to give it much effort.

If a canoe is rolling up hill and the back left wheel falls off, how many gophers will it take to shingle a doghouse?

What is the difference between a duck?

If it is 9:15am in Iraq and 4:96 in Alabama, what color socks will the Llama wear to the Prom? Now this is not only a stupid question but a painful one as well. It painfully brings to mind the memory that I was neither good at math nor dancing which kept me from getting a date with any of the hot chicks for the 1982 Prom.

Bottom line is there are stupid questions and the Prom of 1982 was just as stupid! 12 more years of therapy and I will be fine.

Bumper Sticker Blunders

I am sick and tired of people with their bumper stickers that annoy me. Actually it is not the bumper sticker that annoys me as much as the Bumper Head that is driving the car in the fast lane and they aren’t driving fast enough! AAAAaaaaGGgggHHHhhhh!!!!!!!

Who cares if your child is a mini-Einstein at Podunk Preschool? If she is so smart then why can’t she teach you the meaning of FAST LANE!?!

If your other car really is a Ferrari try driving it next time so you can at least drive the speed limit!

WWJD – What would Jesus do? He would push down the big peddle on the right and drive faster in the FAST LANE!! Jesus knows what the FAST LANE means!

What Will We Do for Entertainment?

Tomorrow is Election Day and that brings up two problems. One, there will be some people elected that we may not like. And two, all those great political ads will be gone.

I am not sure what I will do without hours of entertaining ads that tell me why I should not vote for the big GOOBER that is running against the opposite GOOBER. How will I know if Congress is still a mess or not? How will I know if our tax dollars are being spent right? How will I know if the war is going right or not?

Life will not be the same without those wonderful ads….Thank God for a little peace before the next election cycle that begins in three weeks.