Getting Healthy is for Wimps

Have you ever noticed how people today are just obsessed with getting healthy? Everywhere you turn there is a new twist on the health kick. They have adds with a Princess promoting Weight Watchers; I got my weight out there where I can watch it and I didn’t need a Princess to show me how.

They have book after book on ways to lose weight. There is this doctor Adkins that tells you the way to lose weight is to not eat bread or potatoes. What kind of sick twisted mind would tell you that you cannot eat French fries? How can French Fries be bad for you? They are soaking in vegetables. In fact, they're permeated with them. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

I’m on a low carb diet. Every time I feel low, I eat lots of carbs.

And what is up with these people that are out running with no one chasing them? You know what I am talking about, these idiots who jog for the enjoyment of it. I want to get in my car and chase after them. And they look like they are in so much pain. (make face) If it hurts that much, go home and sit on the couch and have a coke like me.

I am doing my part to right this wrong. I have started a new organization called, “Joggers Anonymous.” Any time you feel like going out jogging, you just give me a call and I will talk you out of it. That’s me, always there to help the fat people.

"Hello! Joggers Anonymous. Oh…No you don’t want to do that. Let’s meet at Shallows for some home made chips and then we can go to Culvers for some frozen custard and a Butter Burger."

Exercise is scary. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

I joined a health club. I spent about 400 bucks to join and haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up. Stupid rules.

If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

Here’s a little advice, if you are going to try cross-country skiing, my advice is that you start with a small country.

I have to admit that I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

The way I figure it, your heart is only good for so many beats, so don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.

Want to live longer? Take a nap.