Funnybone from Comedian Dennis Tooley

Things to do Thanksgiving Day to be excused early

2007-11-13T11:00:00.000-05:00

THINGS TO DO THANKSGIVING DAY IF YOU WANT TO BE EXCUSED EARLY

1. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your shirt (males only), shoes and socks at the dinner table.
2. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.
3. Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.
4. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.
5. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
6. Hold your nose while you eat.
7. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
8. At mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See Mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing."
9. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.
10. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

Help Support Our Troops this Christmas

2007-10-16T14:45:00.000-04:00

You can help gather letters and drawings to encourage our troops for the Holidays.
These patriotic holiday stockings are filled with items that have been donated from various sources. The recruits receive phone cards, envelopes, stamps, note pads, and pens. But the important gift in this stocking is a bundle of letters that we collect from children all over the country. Last year each recruit had 12 letters in their stocking. That's over 8,000 letters!
Would you please help by collecting letters and/or drawings from children of all ages? The subject can be patriotic, holiday wishes, or even a simple thank you for serving our county. It can be from schools, Sunday schools, clubs, and just your own kids. (Adults can send letters, too.)
You can also forward this message to others you think might be willing to participate.
Maybe your school, church or organization can make this a holiday project? Following are simple guidelines for the letters:
- Notes, letter, pictures and cards accepted.- Salutation should be "Dear Recruit"- Send all the letters/drawings in one package to an address below.- NO personal return addresses.- Mark the back of each note with a classroom sticker or stamp with the organization's address, if they desire possible responses from recruits.
Please mail your letters to arrive by Friday, November 20, 2007 to the address closest to you:
Marine Christmas Letter Projectc/o The Averys2403 West Sunnyside AveVisalia CA 93277
Marine Christmas Letter Projectc/o Martha PhilippsRt 6 Box 200Bloomfield IN 47424
Marine Christmas Letter Projectc/o Debra Collins11 Glen DriveThorsby AL 35171
Thanks in advance for your support of our project. We can make the Christmas season just a little better for these recruits, who SO desire to serve our country.

School Awards Given

2007-05-25T10:39:00.000-04:00

My son’s school had award ceremony today. They give out awards for attendance. You showed up, here’s your award! You are dumb as a box of rocks but you are great at showing up!

Then they gave out the "Most Improved" award. You were stupid when you got here but now you can at least spell your name. Good job BOB!

I thought it was a bit much when the gave out the "Best Deer Hunter" Award. I am not sure a First grader should be using high powered fire arms.

The Words We Use to Confuse:

2007-04-20T09:56:00.001-04:00

If someone is walking in a very carefree manner we might say they are “Nonchalant.” Does that mean if a person is in a frenzy and in a crazy hurry they are “Chalant”?

If a person is unhappy with their situation and they complain and argue with people they will be described as “Disgruntled.” Does that mean that people that get along with everyone are “Gruntled”?

When a person has a quick wit and snappy replies people will call them a “Smart Aleck.” Does that mean that all those people who are not as quick in the reply are “Dumb Alecks”?

These are just a few items in our language that bounce around the back of my empty head from time to time.

One of Those Years

2007-03-29T22:28:00.001-04:00

Last week was one of those years. It was a typical week to start out but it changed quickly. You probably know what I am talking about when I say it was one of those years. You know, when you feel like every time you turn around something is going wrong.

Mine started going bad when a training I was doing went longer then it was suppose to so I was running late to an appointment. I was flying down the highway to my next meeting; trying to make up time and we all know that you can not make up time.

Out of nowhere, a big dog came up out of the ditch and ran right out in front of my car. I am not talking about a Marmaduke Great Dane but it was a big dog. A Lab/Mutt mix that was big enough to take out the front left corner of a Mustang.

I couldn’t swerve into the other lane because there was a car coming from the other direction. I couldn’t swerve the other direction because there was a ditch that was sending a clear message, “If you must crash, crash here! We must protect our field.”

I couldn’t avoid it. I hit the dog and watched in my mirror as it rolled out from under my car and bounced into the deep ditch. I stopped to see if the dog was suffering and discovered that it had already crossed over to doggy heaven.

I was feeling pretty low. The dog had a collar so I know it was someone’s pet. However, it did not have tags so I know they didn’t care that much.

Later that evening I discovered that the Old Yeller had damaged the car I was driving. The good news is, I was driving a rental car. The bad news is I did not have their insurance. I was driving like I had their insurance.

The next day I woke up with some new symptoms from my MS. The left side of my tongue and the corner of my mouth were numb and tingly. It felt like I had been to the dentist and the Novocain was wearing off.

The next day my wife came home from the mall (no she had not spent a bunch of money) and she informed me that she had backed into a car that was backing out of another spot as she was backing out of the spot where she had parked. Not much damage to her car but a little dent in the door of the other car.

Man! What a week! Even though the week was full of negative events I know God is large and in charge. These little events are like speed bumps on the road of life. They slow us down a bit but do not impede our journey. God is greater!

The Angel's Have a New Piano Player

2007-03-18T01:49:00.001-04:00

I just read the news that Roger Bennett went home to Heaven. I met Roger once a number of years ago when I was managing a radio station in Wrightsville, GA. He was an amazing piano player and singer. He was playing for the Cathedral Quartet and was as humble as any man I have met. His ministry was full of grace.

My heart is sad with the news yet celebrates that Roger battle with Leukemia is over and Heaven is singing some amazing Southern Gospel tunes right about now. I can imagine Glenn and George meeting Roger at the gates of Glory saying, "What took you so long? Anthony Burger's been here for awhile. Come on, let's sing about God's greatness and worship Him for a few thousand years."

Remember Roger's family and friends in your prayers. I know they would be grateful.

Finding Motivation

2007-03-16T15:53:00.000-04:00

I think opportunity came knocking and I didn’t hear it because I was listening to my motivational tapes.

You don’t have to go very far today to find books or tapes to help motivate you. There seems to be a never ending supply of these tapes and it got me to thinking. Are there motivational tapes for everyone?

What type of motivational tapes would a bus driver listen to? The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round?

What would the stay at home – home schooling Dad listen to? Pink Floyd singing, “We Don’t Need No Education”?

How about the Kleptomaniac? Do they really need any help getting what they want? 10 Easy Steps to Steal Your Rich Friend's Identity.

These are the things that keep me awake at night.

Created in the Image of God

2007-03-10T15:10:00.000-05:00

Why is it that we don’t take advantage of this claim? Think of what that would do to boost up your resume the next time you are looking for a job. It would definitely separate you from the competition.

If that alone doesn’t give you the edge then maybe throw in the sibling card, Jesus is my brother/ Savior. The person interviewing you would have to realize you come from “Good Seed.” I would ask for a raise before you even start.

Trying out for America's Got Talent

2007-03-08T07:50:00.000-05:00

I am trying to get on this years show. Hopefully I can let Jesus shine in a major way. I will keep you posted.

I’m Not Fat – It’s Global Warming

2007-03-06T11:52:00.001-05:00

The truth is that things get bigger the hotter they get. Therefore, I do not have a weight problem; I am suffering from Global Warming. This is a convenient truth.

I believe that God created the world in balance and when someone loses a few pounds then someone else has to gain a few to keep things in balance. I am just doing my part to keep thing on track.

What Does That Really Mean?

2007-03-02T20:43:00.001-05:00

Have you noticed that when people give you a gift that they really haven’t thought much about, they will often hedge their bets by saying, “It’s the thought that counts.” What does that really mean?

It says, “We didn’t really care about this gift so we stopped at CVS and got you some junk that is nice enough for us to call it a gift but too cheap for you to not be embarrassed to return.”

Why don’t they just say, “It is bad enough that you are getting old. We didn’t buy anything to remind you of your constant aging. Instead we spent that money on helping us feel younger.” At least that would be the truth.

If the thought really counted more, the deep thinkers of the world would be on easy street.

The Words We Use that Confuse

2007-02-22T08:48:00.000-05:00

If we get Olive Oil from squeezing olives and Vegetable Oil from squeezing vegetables, please explain Baby Oil?

Why is it that a woman can ask for a new Bag and a new Belt and then be mad when you buy them both for the Vacuum Cleaner?

Political Jokes often get elected.

Political Correctness Run Amuck:

2007-01-29T12:02:00.001-05:00

Recently I have noticed that many people are overly sensitive to the mention of Christ or Christian values. Too many people choose to be offended when anyone exposes the fact that they are a Christian. Well as of today, I choose to be offended by those people who do not respect my freedom to worship Christ.

If you drive around the city of Indianapolis right now, the city is covered in blue. Everywhere you go you will see the very open support for the AFC Champion Colts. GO COLTS!!! This city has become a “Colts Centered” Community.

Aside from a few Bears fans that may have gotten lost, you will be hard pressed to find anyone who will take offense to the greeting, “GO COLTS!!!” If you greet someone in that manner you will get smiles and high fives. You may even get a short conversation about how the Colts are going hunting because it is Bear hunting season.

Why is it that we are perfectly fine to expose a “Colts Centered” relationship but we must hide our “Christ Centered” relationship? It is time that we Christians stand tall and show our colors. GO CHRIST!!! GO CHRIST!!! GO CHRIST!!! GO CHRIST!!!

Shopping for Books

2007-01-19T15:31:00.001-05:00

Buying books is getting harder all the time. These big books stores have more choices than anyone person can make. I was looking for a book on Making Decisions and I couldn’t make up my mind whether I should get “Decision Making for Dummies” or “The Complete Idiots Guide for Making Decisions.” Too many choices for someone in my condition.

Yes I have a rare disorder. You have heard of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). I have ADLB (Attention Deficit Lazy Butt Disorder). I get bored easily but I am not getting my fat bahoochie off the couch to do anything about it. As long as I can flip through channels I am good.

My Son Joined a Gang!

2007-01-12T12:02:00.001-05:00

My 9 year old son joined a gang. That’s right. He joined gang with all of their gang colors and gang signs. I am not proud but I am a bit impressed. They have rules about how they have to wear their gang caps and colors and all that. They take that stuff serious. They call themselves the “Home Boy Scouts.”

The good news is that I think my son is already wanting out of the gang. They have too many activities that remind him of homework.

Those Were the Days:

2007-01-06T22:15:00.001-05:00

I was born before the Drug Companies came up with Ritalin. I guess back in the day, they didn’t need that kind of “treatment.”

My parents had a special treatment when I got a little wild. It was called, the BELT! Oh yeah, and they didn’t have to wait 4-6 hours before treating again. They treated as often as they felt it was necessary.

Don’t get me wrong. I deserved almost half of the whippings I got. The others should have gone to my brothers. They were evil!

The whippings weren’t the worst of it. It was the “Chats” my dad wanted to have before each spanking. He would want to make sure we knew why we were about to get the treatment. On and on he would go to the point that I would begin to think of other things I could be doing to that would get me into even more trouble. “Just beat me already!!! Please!?!?!?!” was my thought but I never voiced that idea out loud.

Finally he would come out with that phrase we all thought was a huge lie, “This is going to…” You have already finished without me because someone in your life time has used that line.

If it is going to hurt you that bad then DON”T DO IT! Let’s grab a Coke and some Twinkies and watch Oprah together. Can’t we all just get along?

What Will You Do With 2007?

2006-12-29T16:17:00.001-05:00

Wow! Time flies! Where does it go and why does it have to go so fast? It seems like it was just yesterday that I was sitting here be-moaning the fact that I had not accomplished all my goals from the year before. Now I am sitting here thinking I should set my goals a lot lower.

The reality is that 2006 has been a great year. I wish I could have accomplished a few more things but I can not complain. This year has been blessed!

Now, just a few days before 2007 rushes in, I am asking myself the hard questions about what I want to accomplish this next year. I am setting goals and taking some faith leaps that will stretch me some. Then I am setting one BHAG! One Big Hairy Audacious Goal that will be God sized. That is the one that will only happen with the hand of God blessing me and His Favor shining on me.

So, what are your plans? What are you hoping to accomplish for God this next year? What areas in your life will you take some steps of faith to see greatness revealed?

Look What We Have Done With Christmas

2006-12-27T15:21:00.001-05:00

What ever happened to the Christmas of my childhood? I mean, it seems like everything is way to different now. Everything Christmas shows up in the stores the middle of August and stays until after New Years. Even the schools are getting into the action.

My wife and I were invited to enjoy a special “Holiday Lunch” with our son at his school. I am not sure who they were trying to fool because the only thing special about it was the fact that we had lunch with our son. They served Chicken Strips that were more like eating squirrel flavored leather, green beans and INSTANT mashed potatoes.

We all got to sit at the tables where the kids normally have lunch. That is fine if you are an 8 or 9 year old but when you are much older and your back side can take up two or three of those seats, let’s just say it was a bit uncomfortable for the hour we sat there.

Well now, here I sit after the fact wondering when I will get into the Christmas Spirit. Hopefully by this time next year.

Christmas Memories

2006-12-11T08:29:00.000-05:00

There is something about this time of year that makes me reminisce about my childhood. It doesn’t take much to travel through time to those days of childhood and engage the senses in a way that makes me feel as if I am there.

I can smell the cookies baking. I can feel the cold air sneaking under the door and through the gaps in the window. I can hear the Christmas carols being played on the piano by my Dad. I can see the fire in the corner that my little brother David just started.

WAIT! We don’t have a fire place! What was he thinking?

As I think back about the traditions we had as kids growing up the one I cherish the most is the fact that my parents always kept us focused on the reason for the season, Jesus. I hope that each of you will know the reason in a person way this season. Let me know if you have any questions about how to know Jesus in this way.

Best Seat in the House

2006-11-18T19:50:00.000-05:00

Sometimes life hands you the funniest things. I got on my flight to Phoenix the other day and it was a FULL Flight. I knew I had an aisle and I hoped that, just possibly, the middle seat would not be full.

I hate it when you have to do that little battle over the arm rest between you and the person in that middle seat. You want to use it and they want to use it and neither of you are really comfortable using it knowing that the other person really wants to use it.

Well, my fears of having to share that armrest were the least of my worries. To my disappointment, there was someone sitting in the middle seat. At first glance I wasn’t sure if it was someone or some ones, plural. The guy sitting in the middle seat was big. Who am I kidding? That guy was huge! GIGANTIC!

I quickly realized that there would be no battle over the armrest. The Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man’s fat rolls got to use the armrest. I was lucky to have the armrest on my left side as big as this guy was. Trust me, I am a man of size but I looked tiny next to this guy. Could this flight get any worse?

YES! YES IT COULD!!

Sitting right behind me was a family with two small children. The infant was good the entire flight. The DEMON Toddler was not as pleasant. This kid wanted to talk the entire flight and until his ears popped he talked as loud as a senior citizen, whose batteries went bad on their hearing aid, trying to whisper at a funeral. “MINE!” was about all the selfish little spawn of satan could say at the top of his lungs.

Just in case you want to know, you can get to meet an Air Marshal if you stand up, turn around and threaten to mame a small devil child on an airplane.

Even More Stupid Phrases:

2006-11-17T09:31:00.000-05:00

Flying should not be such an ordeal but it tends to be that way. I think it is because of some of the phrases the Flight Attendant or Pilot use. They should find betters ways of communicating what they really want to say.

On my flight to Phoenix the other day, I hear the Stupid Phrase – “Final Destination”. “What is your final destination?” I am thinking, “Are the planning on sending me to Heaven right now?” Can’t they find a better way to ask me where I am flying to right now? Phoenix is not my FINAL destination.

Then the Pilot gave me a bit of a scare when he said, “We will be on the ground in about 15 minutes.” I was hoping we could be a bit more specific and be at the airport, on a runway. We could be on the ground in about 2 minutes if we are not particular about where we land. If we take the non-specific route I could see if I could actually use the Emergency Exit door.

That is when I really got scared. I realized that this could possibly be my FINAL DESTINATION!

Stupid Phrases People Use

2006-11-14T16:31:00.000-05:00

The other day someone used one of those phrases that really is not true. In fact, I put it in the category of Stupid Phrases People Use (and should be slapped for using). He said, “There are no stupid questions!”

I would disagree. I can come up with several stupid questions without even having to give it much effort.

If a canoe is rolling up hill and the back left wheel falls off, how many gophers will it take to shingle a doghouse?

What is the difference between a duck?

If it is 9:15am in Iraq and 4:96 in Alabama, what color socks will the Llama wear to the Prom? Now this is not only a stupid question but a painful one as well. It painfully brings to mind the memory that I was neither good at math nor dancing which kept me from getting a date with any of the hot chicks for the 1982 Prom.

Bottom line is there are stupid questions and the Prom of 1982 was just as stupid! 12 more years of therapy and I will be fine.

Bumper Sticker Blunders

2006-11-12T19:44:00.000-05:00

I am sick and tired of people with their bumper stickers that annoy me. Actually it is not the bumper sticker that annoys me as much as the Bumper Head that is driving the car in the fast lane and they aren’t driving fast enough! AAAAaaaaGGgggHHHhhhh!!!!!!!

Who cares if your child is a mini-Einstein at Podunk Preschool? If she is so smart then why can’t she teach you the meaning of FAST LANE!?!

If your other car really is a Ferrari try driving it next time so you can at least drive the speed limit!

WWJD – What would Jesus do? He would push down the big peddle on the right and drive faster in the FAST LANE!! Jesus knows what the FAST LANE means!

What Will We Do for Entertainment?

2006-11-06T15:20:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Election Day and that brings up two problems. One, there will be some people elected that we may not like. And two, all those great political ads will be gone.

I am not sure what I will do without hours of entertaining ads that tell me why I should not vote for the big GOOBER that is running against the opposite GOOBER. How will I know if Congress is still a mess or not? How will I know if our tax dollars are being spent right? How will I know if the war is going right or not?

Life will not be the same without those wonderful ads….Thank God for a little peace before the next election cycle that begins in three weeks.

Join Us at Daneil's Den November 3rd

2006-10-31T13:50:00.000-05:00

AND ADMISSION IS FREE!!! It's a night of clean laughs for everyone! Featuring "The Ministers of Comedy" with comedians Steve Rivera, Mike McClain, and Dennis Tooley! Also featuring comedian Michelle Krajecki, and your emcee/host comedian is none other than Darren Marlar! It all takes place at Daniel's Den in Plano, Illinois at 7:30pm! Daniel's Den is located in back of On A Wing And A Prayer Bookstore, 115 E. South Street, Plano, IL 60545. For more info, call 630/552-7117 or log on to the Daniel's Den website - http://www.daniels-den.org/.

Sign of the Times

2006-10-30T13:57:00.000-05:00

As I was driving through a construction zone I noticed a warning sign that said if someone hits a construction worker they will be fined $10,000 and go to jail for 15 years. I couldn’t help but think about the poor guy that gets sent to the Big House for that.

He will be sitting around one day and ask one of the other guys, “What you in for?” “Killed my Mom and her pet bunny! You?”

What is he gonna say? “I hit a guy in a construction zone. That will be the last time he lets his pants hang down so other people can see his crack!”

Secret Brotherhood of the Stone

2006-10-24T13:16:00.000-04:00

I recently had an encounter with a horrendous pain that no human being should ever have to endure. In the middle of the night it came on slow, like a senior citizen moving to the dessert line at Golden Coral. The next thing I know I am on my way to the emergency room to hear words I never thought I would hear said about me.

Kidney Stone – Sounds like a bad rock group or maybe what the Rolling Stones will turn into if the get any older and still try to do concert tours.

I have never had a Kidney Stone and hope I never have another one. I did find out that there is a Secret Brotherhood that you only hear about if you have had a stone.

As soon as I say that I had to go to the hospital with a stone I hear all kinds of stories about who has had them and how bad they are. Thanks for sharing.

It is almost like they are saying, “It really isn’t that bad. I had one the size of a VW Bug that I past.” Who cares!?! All I know is that I never want to pass another one!

This is a Secret Brotherhood I would rather not be apart of.

Short Clip of Dennis in action

2006-10-06T16:15:00.000-04:00

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

For booking information visit http://dennistooley.com

Operation: Laugh til it Helps

2005-12-16T22:56:00.000-05:00

A BENEFIT for the Troops and thier Families.

The ministers of Comedy Will be Performing FRIDAY FEB.3rd At Reuther Auditorium in Kenosha Wi. Show begins @7:00pm Doors open at 6:00pm.

Tickets are $15.00 at the door $10.00 in advance and Children are $5.00.

Come Join the Ministers of Comedy and special guests for a night of Clean Comedy and healing for the families of our wonderful troops out there risking their lives for our freedom. This night will be jammed packed with
Stand-up Comedy, live music and much more. Show your support and Join us!

For more info on how you can help Donate or Sponsor this event Call Steve Rivera @ 847-662-1380 ext.332

Makes you Laugh

2005-12-16T22:49:00.000-05:00

Target won't have "Christmas Trees" but will have "Holiday Trees."

Does that make sense?

Holy Days Trees are less offensive that Christ mas Trees?

They have a bunch of rocket surgeons working at Target.

2005-08-30T13:27:00.000-05:00

Gutty's Comedy Cafe' - November 5th

If you are in the Chicago area, join us for a night of fun and laughs at Gutty's Comedy Cafe. For more information call 847-662-1380 ext. 332

Hotel Soap - What were they thinking?

2005-08-10T11:31:00.000-05:00

So I am getting ready to take a shower at the hotel and I look at the wrapper on the soap. It says "French Milled Soap." Yeah, that's what I want to shower with. A product made by people who never bath. They never use the stuff so of course they should know how to make it. You'd think that the hotel soap bars would be bigger.....The French should have plenty to spare!!! They certainly aren't using it themselves!!

These little soaps come from the same people that advertise perfume as “Toilet Water.” Now you have gone ahead of me on this one and you already have a punchline in your head. Therefore you understand what I am saying when I say this is not something I would be printing on a package.

They might as well have soap with “Billy Bob and Bubba Milled this” printed on the package. They never use the stuff either.

Flying Off the Handle About Flying

2005-07-18T15:16:00.000-05:00

If you travel as much as I do you have heard the pre-flight instructions so many times you can recite them in your sleep. I have heard my comedians highlight the funny bit that encompass these delightful instructions, like the note on the emergency instruction card telling you, “If you can’t read or understand the instruction card, please notify a flight attendant.”

I have let these items go but there is one thing that is bothering me more and more each time a fly. The fact that the Pilot feels the need to get on the intercom and greets everyone, “From the Flight Deck.” I am happy to know that he knows where he is. Is he hoping that by telling us he is in the “Flight Deck” we will find great comfort? If he doesn’t know where he is, I am not sure I want him flying this plane.

It also bugs me when he is supposed to be flying this bucket-o-bolts and he comes on the intercom to chat with us some more. “Hello again from the Flight Deck. We have reached our flying altitude of 39,000 feet and we expect a smooth ride.” Who cares how high we are flying as long as we are clearing stuff.

Then this guy must be really board because he, all of a sudden becomes a tour guide. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out the left side of the plane you will see the Grand Canyon.” That would be cool if we were not supposed to be flying from Indianapolis to Atlanta. “We’re flying over Nashville, Tennessee right now.” Again, as long as we are clearing it, I don’t care.

None of this would be worth it if it weren’t for the old guy sitting in the seat next to me. You know, the one that ate six cloves of garlic before the flight and is now sleeping with his head bobbing next to my shoulder as he snores his garlic breathe into my flying comfort. I wish the Captain would get on the intercom and tell the old guy my name is not, “Mildred.”

Fathers Day

2005-06-16T08:26:00.000-05:00

Poor Jesus. What is he suppose to get His Dad for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get the father that has EVERYTHING? It is a little hard to picture the Lord of all the earth wearing a neon "#1 Dad" tie. How long does he have to wear it too. Being eternal, whats the statute of limitations on something like that?

Anyway, here is hoping all the Dads out there are able to honestly celebrate Fathers Day because they have truely been actively involved in the lives of their kids. Happy Fathers Day! Enjoy the tie.

Is He Doc or Doppy?

2005-04-25T13:13:00.000-05:00

Doctors are not the smartest people in the world. I mean, have you ever gone to the doctor and had them tell you what was wrong with you? NO. He comes in, after making you wait for him forever, and says, “So what seems to be the problem?” Don’t you think if he is supposed to be so smart that he could figure it out on his own? For the money we pay him you think he could tell us what was wrong and tell us when we need to change to oil in our car next.

Then when you tell him what is going on, “Doc, it hurt when I lift my arm up.” What does he do? He grabs you arm and lifts it up and asks you the stupid question, “Does this hurt?” DUH! You just told him it hurts when you lift it up. Does he think that by him lifting it up the pain would disappear? OF COURSE IT HURT! Don’t you just want to kick him as hard as you can and ask, “Does that hurt you big dope?

I think in order to become a doctor you have to be a bit demented anyway. Who wants to sit around all day long and listen to people complain about all that ails them? “Doc, I don’t feel so good.” “Doc, my tummy hurts.” “Doc, I think I have diaria.” It is an all day organ recital, “My heart is burning, my lungs are collapsing, my liver is on vacation and my brain hurts.” Only someone with a really demented mind would want to spend their day listening to that. You know what I think? I think the reason someone becomes a doctor is to see how far they can push people before they realize the doctor has been messing with their minds.

Exhibit A: Hospital gowns that don’t close in the back.

First of all, why should I have to take off my clothes for the Doctor to tell me I have athlete’s foot? You go to the Doctor and tell the nurse at the front desk that you have been having trouble with your feet itching and they make you sit there for hours reading magazines from the 1900s in the “Waiting Room.” You sit there with a dozen other people and you have to wonder "What's wrong with all of them?" Suddenly you wonder how many sick people have TOUCHED the magazine you're flipping through, and you think about the half life of germs in a warm crowded room. After an hour of sitting with the hacks, coughs, sneezes, open wounds and dirty bandages, you KNOW you're walking away with four viruses, three bronchial infections a rare foot disease and a mild form of leprosy. THAT'S why they keep you there so long -- it's not that they're not ready for you. They've got plenty of time. You think a doctor's office would stay in business if it CURED everybody in a timely manner? They need repeat business, and the waiting room is just one big incubator.

Finally, they take you back to a little cell and tell you a great big fat lie, “The Doctor will be right with you.” Yeah RIGHT! While you are waiting the nurse tells you to undress and put on the gown she passes to you with a glint of laughter in her eyes. Oh yeah, she knows there is no back in this thing and that when you sit down your buns will freeze to what ever you sit on.

Then she tells you to sit on a table. How many of you were ever allowed to sit on the table at home? Our elbows weren’t even allowed on the table let alone our backside. If I even thought about sitting on the table my mom would have reached across the room and slapped me in the back of the head, “You don’t sit on the table. What kind of animal are you? You put your rump in a chair and your feet on the floor!”

This is not a table. It is an uncomfortable bench at best that has a really big sheet of toilet paper stretched across it. They pretend that paper is there to make it easy to clean after you are gone, however, I know it is there just of they can make fun of you when you are gone. That paper, when you sit on it, it takes a copy of your butt print and after you leave they laugh at the shape of your big fat ba-hoochie.

Exhibit 2: The stethoscope. If the doctor was not warped in the head he would not keep his stethoscope in the icebox. You know that is where he keeps it. He brings it out and slaps it on your chest and tells you to take a deep breath. You can’t help but take a deep breath when that thing hits your chest. (Make deep intake of breath sound) Then he tells you to exhale. “Yeah, right. Take that ice cube off my chest and I might be able to.”

Exhibit C: The miniature cup they give you when they need to run some tests. They hand you this little cup and tell you pee in this little cup…mid-stream. Mid-Stream? What rocket scientist came up with that plan? The big question here is, “Who would have ever thought to run test on someone’s pee?” Think about it. There is a group of doctors sitting around the hospital with a real puzzler. None of them can figure out what is wrong with the patient and all of a sudden one of them perks up, smiles ear to ear and proclaims, “I have an idea, let’s test his pee.” How do you make the jump from no clue what is wrong to Test the guys pee?

Exhibit D: The Bill. They charge you for anything they can fit into the bill. Another doctor walks into your room while you are there and they charge you for his consultation. If a Nurse uses a Kleenex to blow his nose they charge you $50 for a box of Kleenex. They charge you for paperwork, yeah right! The paperwork you are paying for is that paper you sat on. You pay for them to make fun of your hind end.

The next time you have to go to the Doctor remember this, even though you may have paid for most of his BMW you still can’t take it home.

Do yourself a favor, laugh more. It is, after all, the best medicine and much cheaper than any doctor.

(Dennis Tooley is the Founder of Potential Unlimited, Motivational Speaker and Christian Comedian. Visit Http://www.potentialunlimited4u.com)

Getting Healthy is for Wimps

2005-04-13T15:59:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed how people today are just obsessed with getting healthy? Everywhere you turn there is a new twist on the health kick. They have adds with a Princess promoting Weight Watchers; I got my weight out there where I can watch it and I didn’t need a Princess to show me how.

They have book after book on ways to lose weight. There is this doctor Adkins that tells you the way to lose weight is to not eat bread or potatoes. What kind of sick twisted mind would tell you that you cannot eat French fries? How can French Fries be bad for you? They are soaking in vegetables. In fact, they're permeated with them. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

I’m on a low carb diet. Every time I feel low, I eat lots of carbs.

And what is up with these people that are out running with no one chasing them? You know what I am talking about, these idiots who jog for the enjoyment of it. I want to get in my car and chase after them. And they look like they are in so much pain. (make face) If it hurts that much, go home and sit on the couch and have a coke like me.

I am doing my part to right this wrong. I have started a new organization called, “Joggers Anonymous.” Any time you feel like going out jogging, you just give me a call and I will talk you out of it. That’s me, always there to help the fat people.

"Hello! Joggers Anonymous. Oh…No you don’t want to do that. Let’s meet at Shallows for some home made chips and then we can go to Culvers for some frozen custard and a Butter Burger."

Exercise is scary. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

I joined a health club. I spent about 400 bucks to join and haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up. Stupid rules.

If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

Here’s a little advice, if you are going to try cross-country skiing, my advice is that you start with a small country.

I have to admit that I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

The way I figure it, your heart is only good for so many beats, so don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.

Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Ever Wonder If.....?

2005-02-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

Have you ever found yourself wondering if there is a parallel universe? Only on that universe everything makes sense. Like the price of gas makes sense, or people with bolts in their tongue make sense.

Politicians that say they want to ban smoking but increase the tax on a pack of smokes to pay for their schools somehow would make sense in that universe.

Tax Code - well, let's not get carried away. I doubt that would make sense anywhere.

The problem we have is that we live in this universe and there are too many things that will never make sense. That is why we must be able to laugh.

It made me laugh when I went to the Doctor about a problem I was having with my eye and he wanted to listen to my heart. Like somehow my heart was going to tell him the reason my eye was swollen and red.

When life throws one of those unexplainable moments at you step back and look for the comedy standing there waiting for you to laugh. Enjoy a great laugh and move on.

Some place there is another universe wondering if we exist and if we don't make sense. Yes we do!

(Dennis Tooley is the Founder of Potential Unlimited, Motivational Speaker and Christian Comedian. Visit Http://www.potentialunlimited4u.com)

Mother Goose is not right.

2005-02-23T16:45:00.000-05:00

How many of you learned from Mother Goose growing up? I am not so sure I want my son learning the stuff that crazy Goose Lady is teaching. Have you listened to her stuff?

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over a candlestick. Do I want my son playing with fire? NO!

As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives – Now that’s just wrong. Even in Arkasas that is wrong.

Rock-a-bye, baby, in the treetop: I know I don’t want Mother Goose as a babysitter.

Little Bo-peep has lost her sheep, and can't tell where to find them;Leave them alone, and they'll come home, and bring their tails behind them. This is not the responsibility I want my son to learn. Leave them alone? Okay, lets not teach any personal responsibility.

Pease-porridge hot, Pease-porridge cold…..NINE Days OLD? Isn't that how they discovered penicillin? Hot or cold, I don't want any.

Three blind mice – She cut off their tails with a carving knife – Do we really need Mama Goose promoting such violent behavior? Wacko Farmwife and the Mice that hate them next on Springer.

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town, in his nightgown – Do I need to even say what is wrong with that visual? An who would actually go by that name?

And last but not least, Rub-a-dub-dub, Three men in a tub – Don’t even!

As kids we didn't think much about the Crazy Goose Lady or her teaching but I can see clearly now, she is not right.

Dennis Tooley is a Christian Comedian that wants to help you know the joy of laughter. Learn more about Dennis at www.potentialunlimited4u.com